Shy bladder and a family trip I can't get out of

I’m non-binary, and I’ve never felt right in the men’s room, which is where I got sent as a kid. I think that’s where my shy bladder started.

At school, boys flicked the lights off and crawled under the stalls, so I stopped using urinals early. Some teachers said no when I asked to go, and a couple of times I wet myself in class. After that, asking felt like owning up to something shameful. I held it all day and went home at four.

Now I freeze even in a locked stall. I sit there for ages and nothing happens. The women’s room doesn’t feel safe either. The only place it worked was university, where every toilet was gender neutral with a lock. Then the pandemic taught me to pee at home only, and it’s been worse since.

The trip

My family has booked a week away and I’m not getting out of it. I’ve said no more than once. They’re the type who would put me in the car themselves. Some of them are cruel to me, so explaining any of this isn’t an option. I can’t pee in public restrooms, and just picturing a week of them gives me a panic attack.

I’ve started seeing a therapist, so it’s early days. I’m also thinking about raising medication with them.

In the meantime I’m collecting tricks. I tell myself: I need to pee, so I belong here. Most men stare at the wall and act like nobody else exists, so nobody is studying me. If nothing comes, I leave and try again later. If someone’s in the next stall, I wait for them to go. No deadline.

Crowded places are easier, like airports and busy stations. Small, quiet ones are still impossible. So I’m planning the route around museums, cinemas and hotel lobbies with lots of toilets, or a coffee shop where I buy something small and use the single room.

My head agrees with all of it, but my body still locks. We leave next week, so I’ll find out.