Shy bladder that comes and goes: finally asking for help

I read about shy bladder in silence for about two years. I never posted and never told anyone. Last week I finally typed the whole thing out, mostly because I was tired of carrying it alone.

It started near the end of school. I could pee anywhere, I just liked a bit of space. Then one afternoon I was wound up and angry, standing at a urinal while a friend talked non-stop, and nothing came. I asked him to stop. He did. Still nothing.

A couple of years later I caught a urinary infection and didn’t notice. One night I couldn’t pee at all and ended up in hospital. They found an inflamed prostate, I got treated, and things settled. The fear from that night didn’t.

Now it comes and goes. Some weeks I’m fine. Other weeks I have to concentrate on every single try, even alone at home. Standing up is close to impossible. After sex or masturbating I can’t go for hours. In a bad stretch I tell friends I like privacy and take a stall.

What I can’t explain is that I’m not an anxious person. I’m not scared of people hearing me. I’m scared of the moment it might not work, and that fear sits in the room with me every time.

What people told me

A few said to tell someone close, because a secret gets heavy. Others said to see a doctor first and rule out anything physical, which makes sense with my history. My bladder, prostate and kidney tests all came back normal, but I’ll go back and talk through the flare ups properly.

Some described practising on purpose: drink plenty, wait until the need is strong, then walk up to a urinal anyway. I want to try a gentle version, but I’ll check with a doctor first, since drinking a lot isn’t right for everyone, and I’ll stay close to a toilet.

I still don’t know if this is paruresis or something physical. Next step is booking that appointment.