Shy bladder at the urinal: why my failed attempt still counted

I’m writing this the same afternoon, still a bit shaky, so bear with me.

I have shy bladder. In a public toilet I can go in a stall, sitting down, no problem. At a urinal with anyone else in the room, nothing happens. I’ve carried a lot of shame about that, and it has caused some awkward moments with friends.

I’m newly married, and one day I’d like kids. If I have a son, I don’t want him to watch me dodge bathrooms or pick up the same habits. That’s what finally made me want to change.

The attempt that went nowhere

I work in an office, so I plan my day around bathroom breaks. Two months ago I managed a urinal at a nearly empty restaurant and felt great. Then I stopped trying. This week I decided I’d just keep trying, whatever happens.

Mid-afternoon, empty bathroom, about a 6 out of 10 need. I put in earbuds to see if they’d help. They didn’t. My body was flooded with adrenaline just from standing there.

I’d rate my confidence at maybe 3 out of 10. Still, I figure a failed try that pushes me into something new is a step forward, not a loss.

Round two

I was drinking extra water that day. If you have heart or kidney problems, check with a doctor before you do that. About thirty minutes later I went back.

I stood there for two full minutes with music blasting. I sighed, zipped up and stepped away. Then I walked straight back up. I was trembling, so I switched the earbuds off to quiet my head. Within about a minute I went. It was a weak stream and I was shaking like a leaf, but I went.

Work bathrooms feel higher stakes because I don’t want coworkers to know. Someone told me that talking about it was the thing that helped them most, and another person said colleagues just cheered them on. I’m not ready for that yet, but I’m thinking about it.

Tomorrow I’m going to try again.