Shy bladder relapse: my trick failed at school

A few months ago I was on a road trip with my parents and needed the toilet so badly that I considered a public restroom. I held my breath and waited, and nothing came. Then I found that rubbing the palm of my hand against myself got things going, and my shy bladder suddenly felt manageable.

For a while it worked everywhere. Twice at school, and at my cousin’s house at Thanksgiving, with the place loud and busy. I thought I’d found something unbeatable.

Then today I walked into the school bathroom feeling sure of myself. A kid in the next stall was singing like a rock star. My legs started shaking and nothing happened. Walking out felt like giving up, so I stood there panicking.

What I think now

I keep asking if I forgot how to stop caring about the people around me. Maybe I never did. I just found a way around it, and the worry that builds before I even walk in is probably what keeps everything locked up.

What I want now is slow practice instead of another trick. Easy bathrooms first, then harder ones, a little at a time. I wish I’d started sooner, because I don’t want this bathroom anxiety following me for decades.

A quick note, since I’m not a doctor. Holding your breath and pressing on yourself are both things to be careful with. Sit down, never do them while driving, and ask a doctor first if you have heart, breathing or kidney problems. If pressing ever hurts, stop.

Tomorrow is another school day, and seven hours without going is a long time. I’ll try again, probably somewhere quieter first. I’m still hoping for a decent December.